Recently I had an epiphany . . . rewinding, I had several days of feeling very lost, consumed with anger, irritability, and found I was lashing out at those I love. I could find any reason to be angry with my loved one––was stuck in a cycle of blaming and pointing fingers. I knew how I was behaving, yet felt no control over it, to the point where I was irritated with myself. I asked my partner what it was like loving someone with BPD. He expressed “loving is easy, living with, is hard” . . . I took what he said to heart, and after thinking about it, realized It made perfect sense. He’s been living in the ‘dammed if you do, dammed if don’t’ BPD scenario.
I didn’t (don’t) want to be this person. I don’t want to be the wife that tears down her home instead of building it up. Even knowing that, and with a heartfelt desire to change, I couldn’t seem to shake the anger, and was so preoccupied by it that I couldn’t be present in the moment. What am I so angry about? I thought . . .
I had a dream that evening about a past breakup that took place some years ago. It left me wondering, why on earth would he be in my dream!? In therapy I often did dream interpretations (one’s dreams has a way of using people/places/things to represent unresolved issues & emotions that have not yet entered conscious awareness). This particular individual had represented grief and loss for me, but at this point I hadn’t figured out the connection between, the anger I was now feeling and the grief I had dreamt about . . .
Back to my epiphany.
Still in my slump, puttering around the home, I decided to try and lift my mood by playing some music. Unfortunately, it had the opposite effect. The music some how struck a cord and opened the flood gates of tears and emotion. I was shocked, even more shocked when I suddenly realized I was crying over my deceased brother.
Well, that explains A LOT. How did I not know I was grieving? How did I not know I was thinking about my brother?
What I had been feeling was grief, or more accurately, suppressing grief while totally unaware of doing so.
In all seriousness, GRIEF has been one of the most challenging emotions for me. I now know however that anger is always a secondary emotion, and that underneath it, lies something more profound. Anger is easier to express; anger is the protector of vulnerability, pain, and the bodyguard of sadness.
Realization was my saviour. Once I allowed myself to grieve – to feel and experience the sadness/loss that lay beneath the anger, the anger evaporated––it was gone. My mood has become completely transformed.
Next time you are stuck in an all-consuming anger, look for a way to lift the veil and give yourself the opportunity to feel––to let your underlying true emotion flow freely. Only then, can you disarm the anger––and anger can be addicting. Like any addiction, it can feel good, safe and powerful in the moment, but will cost you more than you gain––even including your self respect and your relationships.
Anger is the escape route from truly feeling what you NEED to feel.
Keep healing, keep growing, keep finding your truth!