Anyone who has ever been willing to do the work involved in any sort of recovery, knows how hard it is to change your personality. It takes time and diligence to unlearn decades of entrenched information stored in our minds and bodies and rigorous effort to form new habits, undoing years of brain pathways that have began to operate automatically.
I spent years repeating patterns of behaviours that only hurt me again and again, leaving me confused and frustrated from a lack of understanding how or why It happened.
I also repeated the same relationship dynamics with similar type partners, and wondered, how come nothing ever changed? How come they all ended up being the same as the last one? How come it seemed to be getting worse?
What was I doing wrong? Something must be wrong with me! I thought.
I became consumed with trying to fix others and change their behaviour, trying to make them into what I needed, so that, I could feel at peace with myself. I spent so much time trying to find my worth in others without ever realizing it.
Bouncing back and forth in my relationships, between roles of codependent-rescuer, or victim in need of rescuing . I focused so much on other peoples behaviour that I could not see what role I played in the out workings of my life situations.
All my effort was put into trying to change, manipulate and control my OUTSIDE world, leaving me exasperated and alone. Nothing ever changed, and all my efforts were futile. This is because the work I was doing, was an INSIDE job.
When I first learned that I needed to take personal responsibility for myself and my relationships, it sounded offensive – as if I were to blame for my pain and the abuse I had suffered in life.
Once I adopted humility (the opposite of pride) and practiced HONEST self reflection (opposite of avoidance/resistance), I discovered that my own perceptions, beliefs, thoughts, and behaviours, had contributed to what I was experiencing.
Becoming a detective in my own life, I began finding small clues along the way which helped to solve a long standing unresolved mystery. These clues were like little pieces to a puzzle… bit by bit I put them together and the bigger picture became clearer and clearer.
I discovered that the root of the roles I was playing out in my interpersonal relationships, stemmed from my family of origin reflecting that of the role I took on as a child in that particular family dynamic. I developed a role and a core belief system about myself, so long ago, that I could not lay claim to a definitive memory in order to recall when was it was established. In fact, it was over a period of time and repetition in my early life that these beliefs developed unconsciously and etched into my personality; into my very being.
So what were my beliefs?
Deep down I believed I was not good enough and I am not lovable. These core belief’s operated in me in everything I did.
Until I brought these belief’s into my awareness or consciousness, I would continue to re-create the same patterns/dynamics that reinforced this original belief system.
Quite unconsciously, I chose people who would abandon me, reject, or abuse me, because growing up with narcissistic, addicted, neglectful parents, this was all I knew. It was familiar. I wasn’t good enough to be noticed, to be loved adequately, to be provided for physically or emotionally.
Unconsciously,from childhood onward, life had become all about trying to fix or heal these original wounds through other people.
I had searched for evidence in all my relationships that proved I was not good enough or lovable (because That is what I believed) yet at the same time, hoping that one of them would prove that I was, so that, I could heal my inner child for good.
My Psychiatrist put this beautifully when she said,
“You believe you’re not good enough because you carry the burden of your parents failure”
This does not mean I have to hold any blame, hate or resentment for my early experiences or toward my parents or those who have hurt me.
It was the opposite. What it meant was, what I had to do was grieve. Often times we think grieving is only for when a loved one dies. We can grieve for things we didn’t have. I grieved for the childhood I didn’t receive, for not getting the love I deserved or the relationship with my mother I craved so badly.
Through the grieving process I eventually found acceptance for what was, knowing they did the best they could, even if it wasn’t good enough for me. Changing my perspective on the matter made a huge shift. It took me out of victim mode and allowed me to empathize with the situation as a whole, it gave me deeper insight allowing me the opportunity to examine my original belief system and measure its validity.
It allowed me to take responsibility for myself. It allowed me to identify and make a conscious change in behavioural and thought patterns that were not serving me anymore. The lies I once believed about myself were replaced with new truth’s… I am good enough, I am lovable, and my life now is manifestation of this.
Keep healing, keep growing, keep finding your truth.