Like every belief we hold, we will find ways to prove it to be true––consciously and/or unconsciously. If we are not mindful, meaning aware, of the thoughts we have and what we are telling ourselves, these will rule over us and create such realities. You will begin to find evidence that these beliefs are true without realizing that you have produced it. You are the narrator of your story. Belief systems are a powerful source for the things that manifest in our life. Identifying these beliefs was core to my recovery from BPD. in order to change my outside world, I had to change the the inside. Here are some of the lies my inner script told me:
- I am not good enough . . .
This lie has played a significant role in every aspect of my life. No matter what the situation was. Because I always believed that I was not good enough, I would find ways to prove to myself that is what was true. In fact, this original belief was the foundational lie for all the rest.
- I am a bad friend . . .
This lie has caused me to ruminate over previous conversations with friends, examining where I may be at fault for causing them hurt. With a constant worry that I’ve said or done something wrong, assuming “they must be mad at me” or “I must be too weird” or “they probably think I am crazy”, leading to an appeared neediness and/or confrontations with people. This is exhausting to oneself and straining of our relationship.
- I am a bad wife . . . (before I was married It sounded like “I’ll never get married”) . . .
These thoughts affected my abilities and my faith in my own abilities. I could not make decisions for fear I would make the wrong ones. I doubted my strengths and talents and found difficulty in doing what seemed simple things like cooking, cleaning, laundry, shopping. All for fear of doing it wrong. It became crippling to do anything at all from fear of rejection. Always believing that someone else would do it better, or relying on others to do it or make the decision for me became disempowering.
- I am a bad mother . . .
This lie lingers in the back of my mind and is further exacerbated when I begin comparing myself with other moms, who seem to be able to do it all. Any time my child has a personal issue, whether emotional, behavioural or something else, I conclude that I am a complete failure. Perceptions play a key role. Most people post the things on social media that they’re proud of, or post on their good days. What is portrayed is not the whole picture and can fall into the trap of self loathing without understanding that there is more to what meets the eye. Besides the media, we as parents have our limitations, and when you lose your head, having compassion with yourself will dissipate that feeling of failing your child. It’s OK for your child to see you less than perfect because, after all, you are only human.
- I can’t do it . . .
This lie stunts personal growth and achievement. Without overcoming challenges, we lose the opportunity to build self-esteem and resilience, thus staying in the same situation we know as our ‘comfort zone’. Although called a comfort zone, it does not always mean that it is actually comfortable. You could be in a completely dire situation and be comfortable in it only because it is the same as always and familiar. In fact, often times it can even become too comfortable living in toxic situations that cause us hurt again and again, because that is what we’ve gotten used to or have always known––even if we realize things could be better. This lie keeps you stuck in these types of situations, experiencing the same suffering or dissatisfaction again and again. While others appear to be happy, you are not.
- I am not loveable . . .
A lie that permeated all my relationships. This belief caused self and relationship-sabotaging behaviours. If things were going well or seemed good, (which did not gibe with my belief system), I would create chaos and distress (unknowingly) to prove that in fact it could not be this good. This lie created in me an overly jealous, critical, suspicious persona, constantly looking for faults in others to prove that they couldn’t possible really love me. It developed behaviours which violated people’s privacy––snooping through their belongings for evidence of betrayal, or getting jealous over their other friendships/relationships apart from our own. These behaviours make it nearly impossible to sustain relationships and push people away, thereby ‘proving’ to us our belief that we aren’t lovable. A vicious cycle that we’ve have created.
Not everything you tell yourself is true, often times our “truth” is only a perception. It is important that we examine how we are perceiving things, because what you believe matters. Albert Bandura, a social psychologist uses the term “Self-Efficacy” to describe people’s beliefs about their ability to have an impact on events that affect their life, which also falls in line with this well versed quote: “Whether you think you can, or you think you can’t, you’re right.” Henry Ford
What beliefs do you hold? Can you identify the lies/ false beliefs that are holding you hostage?
Keep healing keep growing, keep finding your truth.